Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Today was the Day

Last May, when we moved into this house, I used the top part of our china hutch and created a Nicole spot, full of things that memorialized her--her footprints, handprints, books, teddy bear, etc. etc.  I liked it, but I imagine for some people it was a little weird to see in a living room.

Well, now we have two daughters and somehow it didn't feel right to me to leave that spot like it was.  The difference is Amber Hope fills our living room-- there are baby blankets and burp cloths and a car seat and a pacifier and a baby hat, etc. etc filling our living room.  And, if you come at the right time, there is this adorable little girl sleeping on the couch.

So today was that day to take down her things.  The swirling of emotions that ensues with something like that is hard to reconcile.  On one side, the tears were flowing as I looked at the book my co-workers gave in memory of Nicole and read the card given by a very good friend.  On the other side, my second daughter screamed for attention. I picked her up and she was instantly quiet, but this mama just needed her, so I wrapped her in her Moby and we bonded for a bit.

I know I've dwelt on this before and I don't want to become a stuck record, but this is my life right now.  I love Amber with all that is in me and so far am totally loving being a mom, though today was a bit stressful.  But, when I get pics of Nicole's grave and I look at her things and I think about her, I really, really, really miss her.  And so, for the rest of my life, I believe these two emotions are going to coincide and I don't know or understand how they mix, but somehow they do and it is right and it is good.  I can't have Nicole here and so I am going to love Amber with all the unrelinquished love that's been building up in me for the last 14 months.

I do know this-- I love Amber more fully because of losing Nicole.  I am working hard to treasure the moments because of the moments I never got.  A common phrase from me these days is this: "She's so cute. We are so blessed."  And that is how I feel.  Pain and grief have somehow opened our hearts to a greater intensity of love.  I don't say that those who have never lost cannot love like we can.  I do not mean that at all, but I think the kind of love or the way or something is different.  I don't know. Feel free to correct me on that.

Someday, I will do a picture post whenever I get my pictures uploaded from my camera.  It's on the to-do list for Thursday or Friday, I think, so maybe next week, I'll get some on here.

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