Thursday, May 28, 2015

Where are You God?

Okay, let me start by saying I still believe in God. I know He is powerful and all-knowing and caring, but.... as one of my friends said, sometimes it feels like we are just pawns in His hands and He just does with us whatever He wants. And yes, I know that the bad things are more a result of the curse and living in a sinful world that doesn't honor God, than it is God wanting to hurt us.

I got a text back the day Cheryl died that said something to the effect that God must see great potential in me to be putting us through these tough times and right now I would like to say, "God, I'm maxed out. There is no more potential to be sucked out of me, so could you please just let me be now?"

I know I should pray, but I feel like what's the use?  I prayed that Dad's surgery would go okay and his heart stopped on the operating table. I prayed that he would wake up and instead his brain waves went flat. I prayed his heart would stop before we had to make the decision to stop the life supports and his heart reverted to normal sinus rhythm the morning he died. I didn't pray about Amber cooperating on the day Dad died and she slept solidly from the time we left home until we were at the restaurant after Dad had died. So should I stop praying? It seems my unspoken and even unthought of requests have a better success rate than my spoken pleas.

Yes, yes, I know I shouldn't stop praying, but these are things I think of.  And then this weekend someone brought up the question, "Do the choices we make determine when we die?"  Now I know that the person who asked this question may read this blog and I mean no offense to you for raising it, but allow me to give my take on that question.

First off, it would drive me to insanity if I totally believed that, because everything you did you would double guess.  Will this doughnut be the nail in the coffin of diabetes and heart disease?  Should I buy organic vegetables or should I eat only whole grains? Yes, I do believe there are some choices that do determine when we die, like smoking and drinking can definitely shorten your life span.  However things like heart surgery? That was supposed to add years to Dad's life, so yes in retrospect the decision to have surgery did determine when Dad died and yet did it?  We have no proof that if he would have skipped the surgery and come home that he wouldn't have died on Monday from a heart attack instead of a week and a half later. Looking back we realize that Dad was likely in a lot worse shape than most of us realized and we have no way of knowing that the chest "ache" Dad said he had wouldn't have left the rest of us rolling on the floor in agony.

And let's look at Nicole: what choice did she make that ended her life almost before it had really begun? I am pretty sure that she didn't decide to break her own protective sac and I'm pretty sure she didn't decide to allow infection in. So then was it my fault and I brought about the death of my own daughter?  That thought alone could drive me to depression and suicide.

Sudden, unexpected death always causes us to double guess our decisions, but in reality God is in control and He does have a plan. It's just sometimes I think His plans aren't so great, but that's just me.  I'm quite sure Dad and Cheryl and Bentley are having the time of their lives and think God made a great choice.

Whether this made sense or not, I don't know, but these are the ramblings and scattered thoughts of someone who is grieving and hurting and trying to figure out what life is really all about.

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