Thursday, August 18, 2016

Mommy Guilt Revisited

I've been thinking about where I want to go with my blog and if I want to have a theme and a focus that predominates on here and beings I am in the beginning stages of the trenches of motherhood, it makes sense to gear this more towards moms. But then I thought about some of the other things I write about and I don't want to give that up either. And obviously there will still be my book reviews that will be shared on here, likely more frequently than any other post, but I'm not interested in making this a book blog or a reading blog or anything down that line.

So mostly, this blog will continue as it has been. I think I will make a greater effort to share some of my homemaking experiences. I am striving to be a good wife and mom and to make my home a haven. For the first five years of our marriage, I worked and our home often reflected that busy stage and didn't always stay up to par as far as decorating. Along with that, was a serious lack of energy and ambition to try and make our trailer look like we were in the 21st century. (This is the 21st century right? I get so confused about that. :) ) So while I would blame work, that was just an excuse. Now we've moved into a rental house and I read "The Nesting Place" and it has inspired me to make our home cheery and happy and inviting. I have also listened to Sally Clarkson on "At Home with Sally" podcast and while she strikes me as so idealistic that it's unattainable to me, it has challenged me in that regard to try and create memories even now when Amber will never remember them, but it sets a stage for when she does remember. 

I have also been challenged to try and see stories and life lessons in the mundane around me. I was picking raspberries a few weeks ago and kept pondering the life lessons that could be learned from picking food among the thorns, but never was really able to pull anything together. Maybe I still will yet. 

One of the things I do want to do is encourage other young moms who are in the same stage as I am. I don't have any answers, but I can share stories and lessons I have learned that will maybe help others to realize they are not alone. I don't know. That was a lot of gibberish to say that really nothing is going to change. 

Now to the real meat of this post. I had a case of mommy guilt yesterday and this was real and true and certainly needed. I took Amber shopping after her nap. First mistake, I think, was to not give her a snack first. She seemed incredibly hungry by the time we were heading home. The second big mistake was to take my phone with me. I had gotten an unexpected package from UPS just before we left and I was trying to figure out if I had won a giveaway or something. It's a beautiful coloring book/journal from Tyndale House. So we went to where Mom was still working and I was distracted by trying to figure this out and so I wasn't paying attention to Amber like I should have been or to anybody else. I'm sorry to all that were affected. Amber then took to running a little wild, not really anything bad, just not taking kindly to being told no. This then led to me saying those words that I don't think you should ever tell a child, "You're embarrassing me". We left and she fussed about getting back into her car seat and I was left wondering why we came to town. The next stop was much better. It hit me though. I was consumed by my electronic device and I wasn't giving her the proper attention except to tell her "No, you can't do that. No you can't have that. No, come here." Etc. etc. My pride took a nose dive, my guilt escalated, and while I hate to admit this, it was what I needed. 

My daughter is more important than any electronic or other distracting device. My relationships are much more important than any electronic or unexpected package. If I cannot give the undivided attention I need to be giving to the people around me because I am distracted by my phone, then I need to leave the device at home or at least in the car. I do use a few shopping apps if I'm going to Walmart, etc, but I don't need to be controlled by my phone and if even that is causing me to lose focus, then maybe I need to revert to pen and pencil.

I don't know if other mothers have faced this or not, but it was a hard lesson to learn and it has been sitting there niggling at me and bothering me. I also realize that now I need to let it go. I messed up, I made a mistake. God and I have discussed it and know I need to learn from it and move on.

What things have you learned from shopping with littles?

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Be the Gift by Ann Voskamp

Let your brokenness be turned into abundance Broken, something none of us like to be, but if we want to love and live and love and live ...