Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Happy Birthday Nicole Brooke

The beginning of this post is being written at the one year mark when everything seemed as relatively normal as it could be.  We were still battling the unknowns of a special needs child, but life was evening out a little emotionally at least momentarily while we waited for the next appointment.  A year ago, we had spent a good portion of the day at D's work Christmas party.  It had been a good day. It's so weird, you go to bed and everything seems normal; you wake up and your world falls apart.  Some days it would just be better to stay in bed!!

One year later and I feel like my time needs to be split between celebrating Nicole's short life and treasuring the life growing inside and doing everything I can to protect it.

Happy Birthday Nicole Brooke Glick!!!!!!  I don't know how they celebrate birthdays in heaven, but I can only imagine that it's pretty amazing.  I hope they have a party with cupcakes and party hats and singing and dancing and a special Happy Birthday from Jesus.  Because really Nicole, the only thing that makes it somewhat tolerable that you went to heaven so soon is knowing that you are with Jesus and that He is looking out for you and taking the best care possible of you.  Mom and Dad would have done their best, Nicole, but we can't hold a finger to the care that Jesus gives you.  And so on this one year mark, we are choosing to celebrate your life down here on earth.  Mom and Dad and your Aunt Hannah lit a candle and ate a cupcake in celebration.  Yes, there were some tears shed because I miss you so much, but I know you are happy there and I want to choose to look at your happiness amidst my grief.

So go celebrate my little Treasure and rejoice and live and laugh and dance and someday I hope to celebrate your birthday with you instead of celebrating each year remembering you.

How does it feel to be at the one year mark? How is it supposed to feel?  In some ways it feels like we've survived.  It's got to get easier from here, right? I don't know.  While the initial pain is deadened, there is and will always be an empty spot in our lives--the place Nicole was going to fill. This year there feels like such a mix of emotions, sadness over Nicole and stress/joy over the coming baby.  In some ways the distraction is nice and in other ways it feels unfair.  I don't know if this makes any sense or not.  But the fact is, life moves on.  I don't say that to sound calloused at all, because I don't think I am.  My desire is to hang on to the memories and pass on the little that we have to Nicole's little sister.  I want her to know about her awesome big sister in heaven and to celebrate the gift of her life no matter how short it was here on earth, but I also don't want her to feel as though she is second-best because of Nicole.  I want her to treasure and to be treasured.  Okay, before I get myself and everybody else all confused with my rambling thoughts, I better stop.

(You can all back away from the computer screen now!!!!! That is as much of a picture of me as you will likely get for right now.)

If anyone would like a cupcake to celebrate, feel free to stop in.  There are still some left, though they aren't quite as good as they were earlier because I'm having a hard time taking them off of display and putting them in a good and tight closed container, but I can serve you milk to go with them.  The flowers will be going on her grave--a gift from her Grandma Mast.  And a special thanks to her Aunt Hannah for making and decorating the cupcakes for me.  

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