Thursday, May 4, 2017

Silver and Gold Have I None

This morning I was again working my way through the Act Bible Study, "An Unexplainable Life" by Erica Wiggenhorn. I take several days to go through what is meant to be a one day study, so I've been working on the story of the lame man for a few days now. But this morning, it hit me in a different way, partly because of something she said and partly because of where I'm at right now in life.

Peter makes this famous saying that's a fun children's song as well,
"Silver and gold have I none,
But such as I have give I thee
In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth
Rise up and walk."

Erica posed the question, why did he mention that he didn't have money. In my mind, and these are my own thoughts now, wouldn't that have been rather disheartening for the man. Why bother to stop, to look at me, if you aren't going to help. But Peter knew the bigger story at this point, he knew he had something better than money.

How often do I want the "money" without recognizing and waiting to see what better thing God has for me. Right now, I'm struggling a bit, I just want a normal pregnancy, a pregnancy where I can come and go as I please, where I can still take care of my family, go on walks, cook meals, etc. etc. That's my silver and gold. It's what I think I need to make me happy. Instead, God is calling me to a different path, a different way of life. I am realizing I will likely never know a "normal" pregnancy, whatever that is. But I can experience so many blessings without that. God has something bigger for me. He wants me to choose to be grateful despite.

Dave told me the other day, you've made it 23 weeks, there's only 13 more to go. That doesn't seem that bad anymore. Well, in my down moments, it still feels pretty bad, but he's right. It is only 13 more to go. It's truly becoming spring, so I can go outside and enjoy the sunshine. I have lots of little hobbies that can be done while I sit on the couch. I am truly blessed without having the silver and gold I think I want.

I think it can go beyond the here and now too. Things that come hard are generally taken care of better and treasured a little deeper. I am not saying moms with normal pregnancies don't love their children, please don't hear that from me. But, for me at least, having faced death in my babies, having given them back to God, you hold the living ones a little closer, you treasure them a little more and you also realize that they're being on this earth is not a guarantee, so I probably worry a little more too. Now, I'm normal and there are days when the treasuring and the holding close is replaced by just wanting a little peace and quiet and a little break away from the demands of a two-year-old. But there are days when I stop and I look at my little girl and I think, "Wow, we really have her. She's ours to raise and to train and to guide." And the tears can still come when I think of the gift we have been given.

Now, I don't know what silver or gold you're holding on to in your life. What you need to let go of to be able to claim the healing power of Jesus in your life, but for me, I need to let go of what I think would make me feel good and I need to realize that this is where I am in life, this is the life God has given me and I need to claim it. I don't need to worry that others are thinking me wimpy or inefficient or even lazy. I have to do what I need to do for the sake of my family and my baby and I need to let the rest in God's hands. I need to let go of my fear of what do people think and simply claim Jesus' power and let Him work through me.

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