Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Happy Birthday Nicole

It's the morning of your second birthday, Nicole.  Your dad and I "celebrated" with cupcakes and coffee before he went to work. And we wondered what you are like in heaven. Are you still a little, teeny, tiny baby? Are you growing up and now a toddler? How does it work in heaven?

Two years, my little one. Two years. I can still remember two years ago this morning, waking up about 45 minutes from now, feeling achy all over and begging for Tylenol. This was the day I got to "see" you for the last time alive. We were going to go home for the week, but the doctor wasn't too keen on that beings I was freezing cold and a little light headed. I remember it as a miserable day because I was sick and then you came. Just a little tiny bundle of perfection, so very tiny.

I remember the tears as we held you for the first time. You were our little girl, but you were gone too soon. You still are our little girl and will always be our little girl. We tell Amber about you and we will show her your pictures as she gets older. I want her to know you as best as she can.

Later today, Amber and I will share a cupcake and I want to look at your scrapbook again. Aunt Hannah is going to put some flowers on your grave.

We will remember the little girl who stole our hearts and never gave them back again.

I look at the little girls in church and I wonder what you would look like? Would you be the vivacious, charming little girl who says "There's Amber" when she sees her in church? Or would you be the sweet little pixie miss who's all cuteness and petiteness? These are things I wonder.  I will probably always kind of compare you to these little girls who would be your age. It's nice to be able to compare and yet sometimes it causes a little ache in your mamma's heart for what she doesn't have.

You have a wonderful little sister though, Nicole. She's all bright-eyed and eager. And I hold her and think that she wouldn't be here if you were and it messes with my brain and so I choose to be grateful that I have both my little girls together in my heart even though they will never be together on this earth.

You have a lot of friends in heaven, Nicole. We were just talking how two years ago, we never imagined who all would be in heaven already. You have grandpa to dote on you. You have Cheryl and Bentley to hang out with. And most of all, you have Jesus. You are a privileged little girl.

Happy 2nd Birthday!!!

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