6 Years Old

How can it be six years already? Six years since our hearts received a Nicole-shaped hole that no one else can fill. Six years and I remain amazed at how those feelings, those emotions are still so very real. I can still feel the ache in my bones as infection stole the life of my baby, the pain as the ultrasound probe pressed down trying to get a good picture, the fog that hung over my head through the long afternoon and evening, and the instant clarity, tears and yet joy that came after Nicole was born. I can still feel the emotions as we knelt in our living room sealing that casket that contained our precious baby. I can hear the thud of that first shovelful of dirt being placed on her grave and thinking about how I cannot possibly watch and yet not being able to look away.

Most of the time, I don't think about what we are missing. Our lives are full, we are so blessed and time does heal or as Ravi Zacharias says, "Time is a revealer of how God does the healing." And that is true.

But this year, the song "Star of the East" floated through my head during Christmas, "Sorrow and grief are lulled by thy light. Thou hope of each mortal in death's lonely night."  So so true. I sang that and then I cried. I think I cry, not so much for who I miss, but what I am missing. I didn't have time to make memories with Nicole, but what I have now is time to miss the should-haves. And that is what has been hitting me lately.

It's her sixth birthday and I think of how there should be nine little first graders next year instead of eight and my heart breaks a little for what should have been. I think it's the milestones that have made this year a bit harder.

But the reality is that life doesn't also give us what we should have. Life isn't always fair, but I must remind myself that God is always good. As we lived in fear of wondering if we would ever have healthy and living children, God gave us two beautiful, energetic children to guide and train on this earth. Yes, we have more children in heaven than we have on earth, but that is okay. They are secure there, their destination known and final and their joy unending. My job now is to guide my children in such a way that they will want to make heaven their destination as well and our family can finally be completely united together.

Dave and I talk and wonder about what she is doing. We think about the people she is able to be with: grandma and grandpa, Aunt Martha, friends and other small babies. I still don't wish her back, but when I pause to remember, I shed a few tears and want to hold my precious living babies a little closer.

We have continued the tradition of cupcakes on her birthday and since I have been able to let go of the idea that they need to look nice, I love having my children help decorate. Amber was so excited it was Nicole's birthday today and that we were going to decorate cupcakes.  And on a cheerful, happy note, can anyone guess which ones Amber decorated and which ones Logan did?