Five Years

How can it be five years already? It's too long, it's too short, where did the time go?

Five years since we saw your little tiny face, clutched your tiny hands and let you go. Well, we didn't really let you go, you were already gone, but we faced the loss that you left in our hearts and lives and rejoiced with the knowing that you were much happier and safer in Jesus' arms than you could ever be in ours.

But it hurt and there's still a hole in our hearts. It's not as painful as it used to be, but it's there. Right now, while I'm writing this, the tears are streaming. I think and wonder what you would be like. I can only imagine you would be high energy, a fireball, and a fighter like your brother and sister. Would reading and looking at books be your favorite past time too?

And really, it's hard for me to picture you in our lives and that hurts too. But it's reality. It would be either you or Amber, not both of you and I can't imagine not having both of you in my heart. Amber talks about you sometimes, she calls you her friend and knows you are waiting in heaven with Grandpa Mast and Grandma Glick. 

I want to keep your memory alive for your little sister and brother. I've always made cupcakes for your birthday these last four years, but this year, I don't think I'm going to. I think I am going to make a pie instead, something a little special that I don't make very often. But Amber asked about making cupcakes last night, so maybe we will make them in a couple days and I will let her put all the sprinkles on them she wants and I will stop and think of you and try to imagine my two girls celebrating together, though separated. 

And as you enter your sixth year in heaven, I will continue living on this earth, Lord willing, and I will live well, because I want to see you again, Nicole, I want to see you again.