Guilt or Gratitude
"Sometimes I feel more guilty for what I'm not than grateful for what I am." Lysa TerKeurst
You know it's been awhile since you started posts, when you aren't even really sure what you were thinking when you go back to finish them. So who knows if this post will go anywhere close to what I was thinking when I originally typed out that quote.
But there is so much truth in that quote, at least for me. I can shoot myself in the foot and paralyze myself simply by feeling that I am not enough. I will apologize over and over for something simple and even silly, but it makes me feel like,... well, I'm not sure what it makes me feel like. It might make me feel like a martyr, like if I apologize ten times, preferable with some tears, it will make it all go away, whatever it was in the first place.
What it usually does is it sends down this shadow over the circumstance. The evening turns a little sour, my mood becomes grumpy and I manage to ruin everyone's attitudes. Not exactly a fun evening.
This apologizing over everything caught me between the eyes when I heard my three year old apologizing over not getting out the right spoon for her little brother. D was making a comment about little brother being too big for a baby spoon and big sister commenced to saying, I'm sorry, I didn't know, etc. Ouch!! She has gotten that from me.
Yes, I want her to learn to apologize, but I don't want her to apologize for things that she didn't know better about. And to me there are two kinds of apologies, the one that says, Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't know. And the kind that grovels and repeats, etc.
And it comes down to beating myself up over what I'm not. Why didn't I have the laundry put away, at least all the laundry baskets out of the kitchen? Why didn't I start supper earlier? Why didn't I do this? Why didn't I do that?
Wouldn't I be better served to yes apologize if it was a problem, but then move on. I don't have to live in the guilt of what I didn't do. Yes, I can work on improving, but I don't have to let it ruin my evening and everyone else's, when most of the time, it really wasn't that much of an issue to anyone to start with.
So what does it mean to be grateful for what I am? I'm not sure. I think our culture can sometimes focus more on what we are not, to fully embrace and celebrate who we are and the gifts God has given us, is equated with pride. And yes pride can come into play here, but shouldn't we also be grateful for those gifts?
I like to write and type and I can use that typing ability to earn a little side income and for that I am grateful. I love to sew quilts and it's a great way to spend time with my mom and, as a by-product, help provide covers for those who need them. I enjoy baking, so why not use it to bless other people?
Along with that, most days we make it through the day and my children and I still love each other, so I must have done something right. That's cause for gratitude. And of course, I want to add this disclaimer, despite all the things I did wrong that day!! :) :)
I'm not great at decorating for a party like one of my friends are, but that's okay. I can enjoy going to her house for a party, but that doesn't mean I need to apologize if people come to my house and there's just food and not tablecloths and lights and four kinds of drink, etc. I can still be a gracious hostess.
Some people love kids and thrive on being a mom and seem to live to please their kids. I'm so glad for them. That doesn't mean I need to feel inferior because being a mom feels like more of a struggle to me and I don't go out and play in the sandbox with my three year old. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the two littles that grace our house, but sometimes I can feel guilty for occasionally wanting to be all.by.myself for an evening. This doesn't excuse me from doing the best job I can at being their mom, but I don't need to feel guilty for not having activities to fill their day every.single.second. But it doesn't excuse me either from feeling grateful for the opportunity that has been given to me. It didn't come easy and I don't want to forget that either.
So these are just some of my random wanderings through the words of a quote. I want the challenge for myself to be, choose gratitude over guilt. Strive to improve what I can, but rather than guilt over what I'm not, I want to be grateful for what I am.
You know it's been awhile since you started posts, when you aren't even really sure what you were thinking when you go back to finish them. So who knows if this post will go anywhere close to what I was thinking when I originally typed out that quote.
But there is so much truth in that quote, at least for me. I can shoot myself in the foot and paralyze myself simply by feeling that I am not enough. I will apologize over and over for something simple and even silly, but it makes me feel like,... well, I'm not sure what it makes me feel like. It might make me feel like a martyr, like if I apologize ten times, preferable with some tears, it will make it all go away, whatever it was in the first place.
What it usually does is it sends down this shadow over the circumstance. The evening turns a little sour, my mood becomes grumpy and I manage to ruin everyone's attitudes. Not exactly a fun evening.
This apologizing over everything caught me between the eyes when I heard my three year old apologizing over not getting out the right spoon for her little brother. D was making a comment about little brother being too big for a baby spoon and big sister commenced to saying, I'm sorry, I didn't know, etc. Ouch!! She has gotten that from me.
Yes, I want her to learn to apologize, but I don't want her to apologize for things that she didn't know better about. And to me there are two kinds of apologies, the one that says, Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't know. And the kind that grovels and repeats, etc.
And it comes down to beating myself up over what I'm not. Why didn't I have the laundry put away, at least all the laundry baskets out of the kitchen? Why didn't I start supper earlier? Why didn't I do this? Why didn't I do that?
Wouldn't I be better served to yes apologize if it was a problem, but then move on. I don't have to live in the guilt of what I didn't do. Yes, I can work on improving, but I don't have to let it ruin my evening and everyone else's, when most of the time, it really wasn't that much of an issue to anyone to start with.
So what does it mean to be grateful for what I am? I'm not sure. I think our culture can sometimes focus more on what we are not, to fully embrace and celebrate who we are and the gifts God has given us, is equated with pride. And yes pride can come into play here, but shouldn't we also be grateful for those gifts?
I like to write and type and I can use that typing ability to earn a little side income and for that I am grateful. I love to sew quilts and it's a great way to spend time with my mom and, as a by-product, help provide covers for those who need them. I enjoy baking, so why not use it to bless other people?
Along with that, most days we make it through the day and my children and I still love each other, so I must have done something right. That's cause for gratitude. And of course, I want to add this disclaimer, despite all the things I did wrong that day!! :) :)
I'm not great at decorating for a party like one of my friends are, but that's okay. I can enjoy going to her house for a party, but that doesn't mean I need to apologize if people come to my house and there's just food and not tablecloths and lights and four kinds of drink, etc. I can still be a gracious hostess.
Some people love kids and thrive on being a mom and seem to live to please their kids. I'm so glad for them. That doesn't mean I need to feel inferior because being a mom feels like more of a struggle to me and I don't go out and play in the sandbox with my three year old. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the two littles that grace our house, but sometimes I can feel guilty for occasionally wanting to be all.by.myself for an evening. This doesn't excuse me from doing the best job I can at being their mom, but I don't need to feel guilty for not having activities to fill their day every.single.second. But it doesn't excuse me either from feeling grateful for the opportunity that has been given to me. It didn't come easy and I don't want to forget that either.
So these are just some of my random wanderings through the words of a quote. I want the challenge for myself to be, choose gratitude over guilt. Strive to improve what I can, but rather than guilt over what I'm not, I want to be grateful for what I am.
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