I'm Losing my Mind...... Or Taking Care of It

 The day stretched out in front of me as I sat on the couch sipping another cup of coffee and contemplating my quiet time. Without warning, the tears started falling and my mind struggled to grasp what was going on? Why now? Why am I fighting against life now? It was going relatively smoothly and so why this uprising in my spirit?

A scream punctuates the relative quiet of two children playing, "It's mine, he took my toy." I once again began my mantra, "What are you supposed to do when that happens?" "What is the right choice to make?" "You may not scream."  And the normal response came back to me, "But he started the fussing or the fight or whatever name the event was dubbed that time" And my mind wants to shut down and flee the scene. I feel ambivalent about it all. Can you guys just settle your own fights for once? Or better yet, how about you play nicely for once? There's a novel idea.

An hour later, I am blissfully cleaning the bathroom, talking to D and wondering at the extreme quiet from downstairs. But since I'm on the phone, cleaning the bathroom and simply enjoying the quiet, I decide it's worth whatever wreckage may be going on downstairs because seemingly they must be playing together nicely, right? And since I'm more stressed out than usual, it seems better to leave well enough alone.

I come down to find the little man happily poking holes with a pen in the top of the cardboard filing box I had recently acquired that contained church files. Well, I had really hoped to keep that box looking nice until we moved, was that so much to ask? I contemplated snapping a picture and sending it to the deacon's wife with the caption "I bet your boxes never looked like this one" But then she raised six boys and D and I wondered last night, how did they do it? They not only survived, but they seem to be thriving and looking forward to retirement. It gives me hope.

Earlier this week, I had listened to a podcast on self-care. It's from the Coffee and Crumbs podcast and I really liked it. It wasn't focused on how moms need so much time away or need to do certain things, etc. It was more on noticing what your triggers are when you get overwhelmed and simple things you can do to take care of yourself to keep those triggers from happening. These are moms in the trenches with us. And one thing one of them said, just stuck with me. She mentioned that every day she tries to make her children laugh a little. When she is feeling down and ready to snap, she might have an impromptu picnic on the floor with graham crackers and Nutella and pretty soon she is laughing herself and feeling so much better. I loved this because this was self-care taking place right along with making a fun memory for her children.

So yesterday, once I recognized what the problem was, I finished cleaning, did a few misc things and then I got each child a bowl of meat and cheese and some granola bites and we headed into the living room where we sat on the floor and read stories. I felt better, they were mostly good except for the one piece of meat Logan had to steal off Amber's plate. Well, then, of course, once he got bored with the stories, it was so much more fun to crawl on the couch and attempt to come falling off between Amber and the story because that created such a fuss about not being able to see the pictures.

So I know self-care can get a really bad rap among some people as being selfish, etc. And I recognize that people have different thresholds. I have a friend who I'm not sure if her kids ever stress her out and I have a friend who is really struggling with balancing life and her kids right now. Neither one is right or wrong, we are all made differently and it's okay. But I think we need to recognize the triggers and if we see them manifest in our lives, we need to take the time to do something about them. For me, it was recognizing the cause behind the extra snapping and anger I was feeling and then being okay with sitting down and reading a book or taking a nap while they were napping. It also meant asking God to help me and meaning it. I'll be honest, I didn't want to ask God to start with, I just wanted to be mad and grumpy. It means acknowledging the cause: are you missing out on sleep, are you stressed about something else, etc. etc. And sometimes it means calling a friend who's been there, done that, and asking for advice.

And most of all, I think it means giving each other grace. I don't have all the answers and I don't want to come across like I do. But I think it's way too easy to have a one size fits all answer to things like this and we aren't one size fits all people. Extending grace and being willing to help. I was so encouraged by my friend who is struggling and the people that have kicked in to help her by babysitting or bringing food. I want to be that for other people too, but first we have to be vulnerable about how we're feeling and we're not going to do that if we are worried about being judged for being human.

And that is my rant for the day. Oh, yeah the picture? I'm guessing Logan was gonna "dust" that light shade. A little boy and his "table" is a dangerous combination.