I'm a Mom

I'm reading a book right now. I know big surprise there!!  But it's a book I really didn't want to read. So why am I? I mean really, I have hundreds of books at my disposal, I can pick and choose the books I read for reviews, plus all the book I own that I have never read, so why would I pick up a book I didn't want to read and read it?  Well, I think God knew I needed it. And I think God knew I was going to need it right now.

I'm a mom: when I was 20, that title sounded nice maybe? A dream title for a day in the future. When I was 29, that title sounded a little less dreamy and yet more realistic. But I'd been around the block enough, was working in a job where I saw lots of moms and so the title seemed to represent weariness, fatigue, depression, snotty-nosed children, too many children in too few years. It seemed like the title brought on dowdiness, an extra layer of fat around the middle, shiny hair filled with white flakes, and a few extra bags under the eyes from lack of sleep. Of course, I would never be THAT mom. I mean, why couldn't they at least wipe their child's nose before they went out in public. But then, I was pretty sure I would be fine if I never became a mom.

Then I was 30 and our first born went to be with Jesus and I realized I really, really did want to be a mom. Then our next baby went to be with Jesus as well and by then I was convinced that if God ever gave me a living child, I would be the best mom ever. No whining, no complaining, no disappointments, just all roses and bliss as I reveled in the health of a living child.

Fast forward til today. I have two healthy, living children. I am blessed beyond measure, but... I'm tired. I've fought depression. I am in the land of snotty-nosed children and yes sometimes even in public. I look in my closet and heave a sad sigh at the few choices of clothes that really fit well, still look nice and make me feel like a hot momma!!  Ha, that number is exactly zero right now. (I am well aware that there are new clothes for the buying, but that is a forbidden luxury to me right now. See the next point for why.) I have that ring of baby fat clinging to my middle desperately trying to provide unwanted insulation from this winter that never seems to end. And I feel done-in. Does anyone care about the sacrifices I am making to keep my children fed and clothed? And by anyone, of course, I mean the husband who gets to blissfully leave in the early morning hours after a full night of sleep (Ha, who am I kidding, when the same noises that wake me up, wake him up most of the time), work all day long, talk to adult humans about things other than "Mom, I need a Kleenex", listen to music of his choice and genre, and then come home to be inundated by my mundane housewifely day and the two-year-olds recap of the same day.

And then we have a book study and someone wonders if we really need to surrender or sacrifice when it's something we chose in the first place.  I'm not quite sure how the question went, but let me say, this is not what I signed up for. I was going to be the perfect mom remember. My children were going to obey the first time they were told, they would sleep all night by two months, would never get sick and crabby. I would have a Better Homes and Garden house, with full-course healthy meals, work on my hobbies all day, and be slimmer and more in shape than when I got married. So yes, I feel that motherhood calls me to sacrifice and surrender.

Now backing up to my first paragraph and the book I'm reading. Cue the music. The title is "Gospel-Centered Mom". The subtitle: "The freeing truth about what your kids really need."  Any ideas why I didn't want to read the book? Yup, exactly. I didn't want to know how I wasn't doing it right. But you know what? That is exactly what I needed to know.

I think it's universally true that moms fight the feeling of not being enough. We try to be all things for all our children and it leaves us harried and worried and short-tempered and grumpy. What if we stopped trying to be super mom and instead focused on our one true calling: to know Jesus, to bask in His presence and to pursue His truth and grace. How much would change about our attitudes and the way we raised our children?

I was reading this book yesterday when A started crying upstairs. She had been sleeping and it is never a good sign when she wakes up crying. My frustration started to mount, but I was in the middle of reading a scenario that had two ways of looking at it. The one scenario was all frustration and anger, the other took life in stride and hoped for a better day the next day without getting all wadded up today. So I tried to undo the frustration and instead speak kindly and calmly. Did it change the crabbies? No, but it did help me deal with it.

Today after I allowed my frustration and desperation to overshadow my good sense or my God sense, I started to pray. I was able to calm down and said child was able to go back to sleep. Yes, the younger one was awakened, but he too calmed and went back to sleep for awhile.

The whole gist of this book as I see it is to put God first, to soak in His Word, to do what He wills, to be willing to sacrifice because life is about sacrifice. God isn't as worried about me getting me-time as He is that I get some God-time. He isn't concerned that I am allowed to know my self-worth as that I know my worth in Christ. I am a Christian, so I am a little Christ. What I want isn't important, but how I reflect Christ is what makes all the difference, especially to my children.

I will do a formal review of this book when I finish it, but suffice it to say, I will need to make some changes to be a true Gospel-centered mom.