The First Day of School

-





Social media is full of them, those pictures of cute, little, missing teeth first graders all excited and eager gripping a lunch box or a sign board or something that indicates that they are off to the big world of school. Sometimes fear or anxiety shines through in their eyes or the way they grip their lunch box in a tight, white-knuckle grip, but mostly it's excitement that glitters off the page, causing even the casual social media scroller to smile and remember their own first days of school. 

But what we don't see, what is kept hidden away in broken hearts are the mothers who hop onto Instagram to see what's happening with their friends and come across these cute little first graders and without warning their heart is ripped open again and the tears stream down their cheeks.  Because this was the year, this was the year their own little first grader was supposed to be going to school. This was the year they were going to have their own pictures to post on Instagram, this was the year that was going to be filled with the wonder of watching a little one learn to read.  But instead this year is filled with emptiness, sadness, unfulfilled longings, if onlys. 

That's been me this year--an unexpected grief that hit with this milestone. It feels so wrong, this grief. My house has two happy, loud, excited children in it and yet my heart misses the silent one, the one whose voice I never got to hear, the one whose eyes I never saw sparkle with mischief. 

And if this is you out there, know this, I care and I care deeply. I don't know what you are going through exactly because our stories are all different,(but I would love to hear your story) but I want you to know that someone cares and wants you to feel validated in your grief and longings. If there's anything I've learned in the last six years it's that grief doesn't make sense, it's not linear, and it certainly doesn't care about your circumstances or your environment. When it hits, it can take you by surprise and the tears will pour down your cheeks, but other times it comes as a quiet ache that lends a sorrow to your smile that only a few perceptive people will even notice. And sometimes, it's not really there even though you expected it to be. 

What we do with it is important too. I definitely believe it's okay to cry--I've done that this year, but it can also be used for good. There's a little girl that would be my little girl's age and I have found caring about her and following her life is therapeutic for me. It helps me to see beyond myself and keeps me from wallowing in my grief. 

So here it is, my belated first day of school thoughts. I don't want anyone to stop posting their happy posts. I want to see them, but I also want grace if a few tears sneak down my face.  Life is a mixture of joy and sorrow, laughter and tears and I think this depth of emotion is what keeps life full and abundant. I know that on the day that I am reunited with my little girl, all first grade pictures and the emotion they contained will pale in comparison to the sheer joy I will be experiencing. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Fragrant Whiffs of Joy by Dorcas Smucker (It's Giveaway time)

-
Image
Ah yes, this was just what the doctor ordered. I've wanted to review Dorcas' last book or two and was always too chicken to ask, but this time I threw caution to the wind and said, "Yes, I want to review your book." And I'm so glad I did. It was the perfect book for this stage in my life. Short, easy to read chapters that can be picked up and read whenever and wherever. They are guaranteed to either make you laugh, smile, cry, or or just give you that ah-ha feeling that someone else experiences life like that too.  I could quote from pretty much every chapter something that struck me in one of those ways, but I really want you to go buy the book so I won't do that many spoilers. I only want to give you a hint of what is to come in the book. First off, isn't the cover beautiful? I can dream of a kitchen table like that with the apple pie still steaming and the tea pot, or coffee pot more likely, full to the brim and a beautiful arrangement of flowers ...
Read more

All the Pretty Things by Edie Wadsworth

-
Image
I haven't posted a book review in over two weeks, I must be lazing off!!! Actually, I had two books going at once and also read a non-review book in between. Not that I think anyone missed me or anything. But just to be clear, I am back and have about six books to review in the next few weeks. Okay, "All the Pretty Things". When I started this book, I loved it. I thought it was an amazing story and it is. Edie was born to an alcoholic father. She rarely saw him sober, but she loved him and enabled him until his dying day. She missed that father figure in her life and attempted to salve that wound by working hard at everything she put her hand to except her marriage. She was raised in rather extreme poverty. Her parents divorced and both remarried, but divorced again. She was abused as a child, though it became a repressed memory that came out through recurring nightmares. She was introduced to Jesus and would often respond to altar calls to make sure she was saved. Sh...
Read more

PRECIOUS CHILD

-
In my dreams, you are alive and well Precious child, precious child In my mind, I see you clear as a bell Precious child, precious child In my soul, there is a hole That can never be filled But in my heart, there is hope 'Cause you are with me still In my heart, you live on Always there never gone Precious child, you left too soon Tho' it may be true that we're apart You will live forever... in my heart In my plans, I was the first to leave Precious child, precious child But in this world, I was left here to grieve Precious child, my precious child In my soul, there is a hole That can never be  filled But in my heart there is hope And you are with me still In my heart you live on Always there, never gone Precious child, you left too soon,  Tho' it may be true that we're apart You will live forever... in my heart God knows I want to hold you,  See you, touch you And maybe there's a heaven And someday I will again Please know yo...
Read more