Two poems

It might appear that I am on a grief kick again and maybe I am, but I don't think you ever really know when grief is going to hit.  For instance, I came home from work today feeling good.  I opened the TLC (Together Learning to Cope) newsletter and read two poems and they both made me cry.  And I want to share them here.  I don't expect everyone to be able to relate to them or to even appreciate them, but they touched me.

Before that though, mark your calendars: October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and if everyone would light a candle at 7PM on that day and let it burn for at least one hour, there will be a continuous wave of light over the world on that day.

Strength by Terry Jago

In the early days of my grief,

A tear would well up in my eyes, 

A lump would form in my throat, 

But you would not know-

I would hide it.

For the strong do not cry--

And I am strong.

In the middle days of my grief, 

I would look ahead and see that wall

That I had attempted to go around

As an ever-present reminder of a wall yet not scaled.

Yet I did not attempt to scale it.

For the strong will survive--

And I am strong.

In the later days of my grief,

I learned to climb over that wall step

by step, remembering, crying,

grieving.

And the tears flowed steadily as I

Painstakingly went.

The way was long, but I did make it--

For I am strong.

Near the resolution of my grief,

A tear will well up in my eyes,

A lump will form in my throat, 

But I will let that tear fall

And you will see it.

Through it you will see that i still hurt

And I care--

For I am strong. 

Broken Dreams/Different Me

(Remembering Kaitlyn Mae, August 17, 1990 written by Mary Updike)

I dreamed and waited for you for so long

    before you finally were a part of me.

The dreams I had for you were so much bigger

    than you would ever get to be.

You left before I even got a chance to tell you what they were.

I dreamed of seeing you grow and play and learn.

I dreamed music and dance lessons,

    of watching you play on school teams

I dreamed of mother-daughter outings and shared secrets.

I dreamed of confirmation, graduations, a wonderful career

    and someone special for you.

I dreamed of a wedding...and grandchildren.

And I dreamed that you would have made a difference in this world, 

    not only for me but for others.

And I would have been proud to have been your mom;

    but you never had the chance;

    and neither did I

Instead, you made a difference in my life that many

    people can't see or don't understnad.

It's taken a lot of time to feel happy again.

And sometimes, I'm still not

People who didn't know me still do not know me

    as I used to be; before you.

And now I know I'll never be like that again.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, miss you,

    and dream of what might have been for you.

    ...and I miss the me I used to be.